Two Years 10 Months

I thought it would be too confusing and sad to tell you it was Michael's birthday on the 18th, becuase nobody loves birthday parties as much as you! So I didn't say anything. But then in the car, you said "Mama, I need to buy my Michael a balloon to send to the sky. He's having a big play date today with all his friends!" So I said "Well, today is his birthday" and you said "I know! He's going to blow out his candles today. That's why he told me to buy him a balloon". So of course, I cried happy tears. We talk about Michael every day. He's in every song I sing to you at night. I hope you continue to have a relationship spiritually with our awesome beloved Michael.

You've been having your first sleep over play dates with Tutu. The first two times, dada and I came straight home and went right to bed! Some party animals we are!

You LOVE helping dada. Organize tools, load wood, driving diggers. He is so lucky to have a little buddy like you!

Your favorite songs at the moment are Same. Old Love and Hit. the Road Jack

I finished teaching and found you eating a cookie and you said 'Mama, I'm a LUCKY boy!"

We went to the annual wood workers guild show and you were so well behaved. Dada was a sponser this year, and when they said his name to thank him and clap, you looked over at him with googley love eyes and clapped loudly and proudly. It was so sweet.

You woke up from a nap and said "I was snoozin' and dweeming about gwama wama!"
On a facetime chat you said to Granma Lama "I will fit dat tow twuck sataday gwama wama". (I just love your little accent!)
We watched the new years fireworks from the top of our lot. You said "Michael is in the fireworks. He told me to pwug my ears". After a beautiful perfect firework, you gasped and whispered "That one was my favorite!"

You held up a piece of wood and said "You smell dat? Dat's seuuuuugi" (Sugi).

You were asking for a brother and sister. I explained that a baby would grow in my belly and then there would be a baby living in the house with us. You said "No, I like your belly empty. I don't wanna baby in my house. I just want a brother and sister". Hmmm....You didn't do very well with our company who had a baby. You would glare at her when she got near and dramatically move your chair/toy/food to a different spot with a huff! I think you like having ALL the attention! Now you don't want a brother and sister after all this company!

Two Years 9 months

Here we are celebrating your third christmas. You sure did make our holiday merry and bright. I'm not sure how we would have survived the holidays this year without you. You were so excited about the Christmas tree. You said "Mama? You excited and happy? We building a twee!" You also said "Last year, when I was just a lil baby, I see Santa and I cry ALL day long. Now I'm a big boy!" And you didn't cry! You did stop dead in your tracks when you spotted him, but he waved and you waved back and marched right towards him! Dada laughed in that picture because Santa said in a deep voice "Well, hello Mr. Alex".
Other funny sayings and stories I've jotted down this month:
You are figuring out things that rhyme all on your own. "Gasoline. Kathleen. Olive (a girl at school) and Olives (your favorite snack).
When you and I play or do crafts you say "This is great fun. I'm having a play date with you mommy!" When you ride in the ergo on the dingo you tell daddy "I'm so happy to be with you dada!"
You said "I'm a big boy, Moki's a little guy".
You and I had an amazing conversation about Michael that I wished I could have recorded. You were sitting at your little lunch table and you said "Michael's watching me eat my snack mama, he's not in the hospital no more. He not in his cozy nest. He's in the wind and the air. He's everywhere watching me. He loves me. I not dead. I still have my breath. See? (blows air on my face) I love my Michael. I see him in my dream. He comes into my room. He's always with me". I gave you a big hug and smile and held back all my tears.
You have loved riding in the ergo on dada's back while he excavates and mows the lawn. You are at such a fun age where you want to help and join in on the yard work.
We have an inside joke 'I ate the whoooooole hamburger!" It makes you laugh and laugh.
You say things like 'This is gunna be perfect!"
I love when you tell me some memories of Michael. You told me this month 'Me and Michael went on an adventure walk by the post office". "Michael showed me the handle bar in the car"
You are addicted to crafts. Every day you want to "make a cwaft!"
You sat through a whole 2 hour choral concert I performed violin in. You said "Mama! We clap for you!" You and Poppy are rock stars?"
You like to listen to adult conversations and say "Mama? whaddayou sayin?"
You learned three new holiday songs "Jingle Bells, Rudolph, and Frosty". You had no recollection of the frosty doll we bring out each year. Last year you carried him everywhere. This year you were a little scared of him, so I showed you pictures from last year. It was funny to see you looking at your old self so puzzled like "Why don't I remember this??"
I hope naps aren't over. Sometimes we will go a few days without a nap, and other days you nap for 1.5-2 hours! You usually end up in our bed at some point in the night. Sometimes we have rough nights where you are up and down all night. It's hard not to cave in when you say "Mama? Come snuggie with me!"

2 years 7 and 8 months

Oh honey, My Michael passed on November 8th, 2015. Granda Lama, Dada, you and me were eating dinner on the lanai, and at 7pm I gasped for air in shear fear and sadness, but I didn't know or understand what I was feeling, and instead just burst into tears while you cuddled up in daddy's arms and we all held hands. But that was the moment when Grandpa Michael passed away.
I just can't believe this is actually happening. It all happened so fast. I have so many regrets. I wish I recorded him saying your letter out loud so you could hear his voice. I wish I had taken a million more videos and photographs. I wish I had cherished, relished, and remembered in incredible detail each and every conversation we ever had. You, me and Michael spent so much time together. He'd come up on Thursdays or Fridays and spend the whole long weekend hanging out alongside us. I'm trying to find our new routine now. You seem to understand a little bit, but sometimes you will ask Tutu "Did you find Michael?" You tell me "Michael is in the sky. He is everywhere. He is an angel. He is always watching me". And I really believe this to be true. You ask me if I miss him. If I'm sad. And I tell you I am. But you make me happy. Your whole life, anytime I finally got you down for a nap or bed, Michael would joke and say "Let's wake him up!" Or if we ever got hurt he'd say "That shouldn't hurt!" Or if we ever made a mistake he'd say "That could've happened to anybody. Great minds cannot be consumed with minor detail". I still look down our private road expecting him to show up. Which is why my heart seems to be breaking every moment of the day. This is the worst heart ache I've ever experienced. He loved you more than life itself. And I promise to talk about him every day. But Mike was such a wonderful good hearted man. I know he wants us to keep living life to the fullest, and spreading aloha to everyone around us. Which is what we will strive to do.

The past two months you have saying some pretty cute things. In the cutest voice ever you will say "But Bye Erica. Thank you so much!"
You have been obsessed with ballet, dancing to angel music, and crumbling dirt balls.
You are quick to appologize when you accidentally make a mistake.
You pretend I'm a squirrel, and daddy's a walrus and you are a mouse, and you ask me questions. "Squirrel?
My students love to hear your voice
Your vocabulary continues to be amazing. "I'm gunna go outside and check out what dada's doing"
Our alarm system will say "Please say your command" and you shout back "No Stank you!" (No stanks is no thanks in your little accent)
You love to be the worker man "I'm a worker man!" (It's what you wanted to be for halloween this year)
You call the pressure washer the washa pwasha. I think we should rename it that!
You will always say "We're ready to roll!" when you have your shoes and coat on.
You will say "You know something? I have an undea! (idea) It'lll make you sooo happy!"
On an adventure hike to find a bathtub up the ranch you said "Dada? You make a path?"
You make up stories! Usually very traumatic and violent! I have a big bad boo boo. I cut my toe with a saw. Or you cut your finger in the blender.
You will say "I'm a dirt man! I'm a dirt kid!"
You love to help me cook. Make smoothies, make eggs.
You have been more willing to go to school. Dada runs you in the Bob jogger and it's a special boy time.
You say hilarious stuff like "When I grow up my ting ting grow lots of hair!"
You loved the halloween spider we bought from Costco. "I wuv you so much spider! You are my best friend!"
You do NOT like listening to me play music for myself or other peoples enjoyment. Performing at school with Poppy was NOT a success! (But you are fine when I teach!)
You have an excuse for everything "No mama, could poke you in the eye or crack you on the head!" "My tummy hurts over there, I need to sit closer".
You sang "you are my sunshine, eensie spider, and tiny turtle song" at Michael's Celebration of life. Someone recorded the turtle song, but I wish soooo much we had a video of you singing you are my sunshine because it was the most angelic voice ever.
You talk about your angel michael. Watching you swing. Making you laugh banging against the chimney. We truly hope you can see him!

My Michael

Michael always made you orange juice popsicles. And wrapped you up in dish towels and sat you on a beach towel to eat them in his living room.
You would burst into Michael and Tutu's yellow cottage and instantly shout out in the cutest, most bossy pants voice ever "Michael??? Tutu??" and it cracked us all up every time.
You always rubbed noses Polynesian style with Michael.
Your level of expressiveness and incredible vocabulary made Michael smile and laugh so much.
You spent every Sunday your first few years spending the day with Michael and Tutu while I taught. It was your special time with your grandparents. They would take you out to breakfast, or Starbucks, or Hawi, or the playground, or on walks through the nature park "huge jungle".
Michael cherished the times I dropped you off at his house alone so he could have 100% one on one time with just you and him. After a hard day of playing, sometimes I would walk in and find you sitting on a cozy chair watching TV eating a popsicle. My favorite memory is when I was driving to the store and I saw you up on Michaels shoulders going out for a stroll together.
Michael was determined to always teach you something new each time he saw you, and couldn't wait to see how much knowledge you could absorb. Sometimes, though, he'd teach you things like how to open the tall cupboard doors from the bottom and it ended up making things more challenging for mama/tutu! But it sure was fun seeing how much you could remember!
Sometimes you saved your Mr. Big Ones just for Michael. I was so proud that he knew how to change your diaper!! That was true love!
Michael and Tutu were able to pick you up from school in October. You must have told EVERYONE they were coming and you were so proud. When they showed up, everyone said "Are you Michael and Tutu??" like they were celebrities.
I have sent Michael, Tutu, Poppy, and Grandma Lama a daily picture or video of you since birth.
Michael knew so many quotes, and songs, and little sayings and quips. He always sang "There were birds all around" and recited poems and songs like "The Hendersens will all be there, it'll be second to none" and a Dr. Seuss quote about going past the alphabet Z. I wish I wrote them all down.
Michael always found the good in people. He never spoke poorly of anybody to you or me. He loved Sadie and Jenna. And he wrote you a letter since he knew his time with you was now so limited.
Michael was afraid of how old he was going to be when you graduated high school. But now it makes me cry to see how little we all knew about age and time. It is the hardest thing, to watch someone so strong and resilient, someone who I joked had regenerative lizard DNA and always "grew back", get so sick so fast, but I am so grateful he was able to write you a letter for you to have the rest of your life. And that I had the chance to hold his hand, kiss him, and tell him how much it has meant to me to be his daughter in law and mother of his most beloved grandchild.
Other things I know you will always remember:
Michael loves pears
Michael loves bikes and canoes
Michael always makes horse and bird noises when he shows up
Michael and you would always "wrassle" on the futon mat.
Michael always built fires.
Michael grows beautiful orchids
Michael and you would bounce the ball off his roof and it would come rolling back down to you.
Michael always played with the hose and you would squirt him, and wash his car with him.
Michael always put you on his shoulders and took you on adventure walks.
Michael always let you explore his car.
Michael always said "Beautiful, beautiful, boy"

Michael has been very very sick with cancer the past few months. Everything has been happening very quickly, and nobody expected this to happen. You can sense that something is wrong. You are witnessing a lot of sadness and pain right now. Poppy and Grandma Lama have come out to help provide a small distraction during this horrible time. I wish more than anything this wasn't happening right now.

Michael wanted to spend every possible moment he could with you. He couldn't wait until he got to come up to Waimea, and the second he showed up in town he would call or text to see if you were awake and around for a play date.  I've never seen anybody need to be around you as much or as badly as he wanted too. His soul couldn't exist without you. You are his absolute, most favorite person on this earth. And his incredible bond and inexplicable draw to you can be seen by everyone around. I'm positive he survived his bike accident 3 years ago because he was meant to meet you, love you, and know you. I wish so much that you had more time to be together. You two were old souls who had the chance to hold one another once again. I know you found each other. I know he will always be near you, and I hope as you grow you can always feel his love. I promise to always keep him alive in our hearts and minds.